I posted this in a blog today, but my friend Monica encouraged me to come here and share the good news
For those of you who I haven't told, which is a LOT of you, virtually everyone, I started reading the Bible in September. I read it once through in middle school, but I've virtually not touched it at all since Matthew's death freshman year. I guess I felt betrayed, I think we all feel that way at least once, and if not, you don't know how lucky you are. I felt that my God, the Christian God had done something absolutely terrible to me, my best friend, my safe haven, and my community. I felt like I would never trust him again.
I was stupid.
I've spent the last few years of my life, the almost three years since Matthew's death, searching and studying religions. Trying and trying to find a "God" that wouldn't betray me, wouldn't hurt me. I searched in vain.
In September, I realized that nothing was working out and no matter which religion I looked to, I found myself unable to dedicate myself to and love thier God. I decided to go back to where I started. I began reading the Bible again.
Last night I'd say the veil was officially lifted.
I decided to pray, something I do, but not often. I just thanked God for giving me the will and ability to read His Word again, and better get to know Him. I also spoke to him about how sad I was feeling about Matthew once again, and how it was hitting me hard since in 5 days, December 5th will mark the three year anniversary of the day he was taken from me and from a world that would have learned to love him just as much as I did. I told God that I just wanted to speak with someone who understood and loved him as much as I did. I know that God was just that, after all, if He didn't love him then He wouldn't have taken him so soon. I thanked God for all the other wonderful people in my life and asked him to send me someone here on earth who I might be able to talk to about it. Just as I spoke those words, my phone rang. (Monica's pastor was right, he does answer us quickly)
It was my friend Chris from Michigan (one of the people I am closest too right now, despite him being so far away), he called me sometime last night, around 11 I think. I talked to him and told him how I was feeling sad, too sad and how I was thinking about Matthew more than ever. I found myself wanting to cry when I was on the phone with Chris, but I wouldn't let myself. I didn't want to make him sad, I didn't want to be sad. I told him he should go, and that I didn't want to talk about it anymore because I didn't like the idea of leaving him on a sad note. After not having spoken with him in a few days, I realized I'd regret having such a solemn conversation with him later. He understood and we exchanged "I love you"s and "goodbye"s.
The second I felt the phone landing safely in the reciever, I broke. I cried like I hadn't in a long time. I couldn't even tell if I was sad, or happy, or mad. I was just emotional. I was just crying. I found myself talking, wishing, praying, hoping aloud. I found myself raising my voice even though my family was sleeping.
The second time I spoke to God last night was the first honest conversation I have had in a long time. I told Him how right now I wanted nothing but to feel closer to Him, to understand Him better, to have Him be a part of my life, every minute of every day. I was crying so hard. My conversation went on for at least ten minutes. I was still sobbing, I was sure I wouldn't be sleeping that night, after all, when your mind and heart are restless, your body follows suit.
I reached to my night stand and grabbed my Bible. I needed words. I needed a distraction. Why is it that whenever I grab my Bible, the page I open too seems to be a sign? I flipped open the cover to find the first page of Matthew looking back at me. It was comforting to see the name of my best friend written on a page. I read for 2 hours last night, and I slept more calmly than I ever have before.
I felt the need to post this and to put it out there, because I realized that I have spent too many years of my life trying not to seem vulnerable, when truly we all are. For one, I want to be exposed. I want people to know the truth that I am finding in the Truth.
I'd like to thank God, from the bottom of my heart, for giving me the will.
Love,
Heather[/i]