this was sent to me recently. It appeared in a California newspaper.
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A New Origin Theory.
Big Bang? No way, Try the 'Giant Swan' theory instead.
by Ray Orrock
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People are always asking me: "Say, Ray, where did the universe come from, anyway?"
And lately, I don't know what to tell them. That's because scientists seem to be coming out with a new origin-of-the-universe-theory every week.
For a long time, I relied on the Big Bang theory, which holds that everything began with an enormous explosion, and that the universe, at its birth, was hotter than an Arabian car seat.
But recently some physicists have advanced the theory that the universe was not created in intense heat, but in extreme cold -- specifically, a superdense sea of cold quarks.
That had not occurred to me.
One of the reasons it hadn't occurred to me is that I have no idea what a cold quark is. Or a hot quark, for that matter.
There weren't any quarks when I went to school (with the possible exception of a kid named Leon in the seventh grade).
The smallest things we knew about were molecules, which were so small you could hurt your eyes trying to see one.
Just as we'd gotten used to the idea, the physicists came along and said: "You think molecules are small? Atoms are even smaller! So are protons and electrons!"
And a short time later they came running by again shouting "Hold it! Hold it! We just found a sub-atomic particle!"
And now they're down to quarks, and I wouldn't be a bit surprised if, next Tuesday, they come out with something called a whang or a gurkle.
Maybe the universe did start out cold and then experience what they term "a sudden glitch upward in temperature." I could understand that. I've occasionally experienced a sudden glitch upward in temperature myself -- usually while watching a Sophia Loren movie -- but I wish they'd settle on just one theory and stick with it.
Some years ago, in fact, I came up with my own explanation for the origin of the universe. I call it the Giant Swan theory.
I think that once there was this huge swan, floating serenely on an enormous pool of black water.
One day, about 20 bazilliion years ago, the giant swan put its beak into the pool to get a drink of water, and -- just as it was about to swallow -- sneezed.
Millions of tiny droplets shot into the heavens, and when they hit the extreme cold of outer space, they froze -- to create the stars and planets and galaxies that still twinkle in the night skies. (Music up and out.)
Isn't that a nice story? And I'm happy to tell you that the swan is still floating around out there in some cosmic pool, with cosmic weeping willows and a cosmic moon overhead.
The important point is that the Giant Swan theory is just as good, in my opinion, as the Big Bang theory or whatever else they come out with this week.
Maybe better. It doesn't have any quarks or glitches, or any blasts of extreme heat. It doesn't have any loud noises, either, which tend to frighten people like me.