I am a 39 year old male living in Ohio. I have been married to my wife for 11 years and we have 2 daughters ages 9 and 7. While dating my wife she opened up to me about her past which involved several homosexual relationships although she was always "in the closet" about it, so to speak. Many people saw through it and knew her for what she was. She was living with a friend for 11 years when that friend decided she wanted to get married which shocked and upset my wife. Her friend had dated a nice guy for about 2 years but my wife thought it wasn't really serious......then the wedding did actually take place and my wife was distraught. Well, dummy me...........we met through a Christian magazine and even after confiding in me about her past, she reassured me she was passed all of that. Her actions spoke loudly that she was heterosexual and even her kisses had me soaring, so to speak. To be explicit, she even had orgasms on our honeymoon (which she assures me to this day were real) and at a few future times she did too......but she didn't have them often as time went on.
Well our marriage got off to a bad start and my wife is an emotional rollercoaster to begin with. She emotionally and mentally abused me and I took it. I built up alot of resentment and was unable to express my feelings for her like I wished i could. After two children had been brought into our lives......she felt lonely and pursued a female relationship that started out as friends with another happily married woman. Eventually, in my presence they would joke about having crushes on eachother (isn't that nice). A few months down the road she came home crying and without my prompting totally confessed to having an emotional and PHYSICAL affair with this friend. Yes, a friend that was in some ways, my friend too. We had spent an immense amount of time with their family (yes, they had 3 kids) and our kids had become intertwined and best friends. I forgave her and she assured me it wouldn't happen anymore.....I even had a meeting with her friend and she apologized and asked for my forgiveness and I gave it. But they continually relapsed in minor ways.....mostly emotional......but the constant phone calls and sneakiness drove me nuts and I questioned alot of what she did because she isn't a good liar and she tells me nearly everything. You can read between the lines when someone talks that much....they unknowingly give out alot of information.
Our marriage was pretty much in shambles and we were having alot of financial problems, mostly due to her overspending. I believe she was sending cards and gifts by the dozens to her friend nearly bankrupting us.
I have lived with the thought that my wife was a closet Lesbian for our entire marriage, mainly because our sex life sucks but I was able to deal with that. She sings at Church and has a Jesus logo on her minivan.....she only listens to Christian Music and Sandi Patti was her Christian Music icon.
After loyally dealing with this for years I threatened to leave her a few years back but she convincingly cried and begged me not to......I believed her.
Last year, she was over at another friend's house (no homosexuality involved). While waiting for her friend to come home, her friend's rich, egocentric husband cornered her and fondled and groped her.....she stuck her nails in his arm and ran away and called me. A few months later, she was pursuing another female relationship with a heterosexual woman she met at a kids class who was happily married. The relationship became a 24 hour job as the two of them hit it off and they couldn't get enough of eachother. But I didn't see the same stuff I saw from the previous relationship so I let it go hoping she was keeping things normal and just getting an emotional high from it. Then her friend broke it off in the Fall and my wife seemed really ticked about it. I wasn't sure if there was something more or it was just a simple bug. My wife then pursued a friendship with a Christian woman who is happily married with 4 kids. They had a very balanced relationship. This woman even went to bed at like 9 pm every night.
Then, this Summer came along and the friend from last Summer has suddenly reappeared and wants to pick up where they left off. At first my wife was not happy because she had started this new relationship and it was very balanced. But suddenly she was in deep with both relationships and both women were competing for her time.....and you could tell she liked it. She was going to concerts, amusement parks, pools, movies....spending money like it grew on trees.....dragging our kids everywhere and me having to listen to them complain how they're sick of all these people and just want family time. But my wife was caught all up in it. It had become so bad that everyday I came home one or the other friend was at our house. At night the phone rings and she'll get on it for hours. She even goes out late at night and claims she's going for a walk with the one friend and comes home at 4 am.
I guess I'm a total idiot and continually try to trust my wife. She loves our kids and it's just hard for me to believe she'd want to hurt us.
THE BOMBSHELL. Two nights ago we have an angry discussion which had her defending her two friends after I asked her to calm it down a bit and get more balance. After flinging insults back and forth I just threw out that I felt like I was married to a Lesbian..........and she finally acknowledged my worst fear. She said she has now come to the conclusion she is born this way and is tired of fighting it. She isn't coming totally out of the closet for everyone to see, but she is going to stop denying it with me. She said she loves me but does not love me like she loves these other women.........the emotional and physical high she gets from them cannot be matched by me. For the sake of the children she wants to maintain our marriage while allowing her to discreetly date these other two women or any others that come along. She feels bad for me and says I can date women discreetly too.
Wow.
We've had some good conversations since, and I think she feels we can just be friends and make this work. I feel this way sometimes, hoping I can do this for our kids and not mess up our family........but other times I feel like I'm helping her live in sin and live a lie. I also worry about her wrecking these other families like she did many years back early in our marriage. I am so distraught right now. Having to deal with rejection is one thing.......but the fear of wrecking an 11 year marriage and destroying the hopes of my children who have no clue upsets me to no end.
I cry like I've never cried before. I hurt so badly I can hardly stand it. I feel helpless. I feel lost. I feel like I'm dying. All my hopes and dreams have flown out the door. My loyalty and faithfulness mean nothing. My undying love means nothing. I cannot compete with this......and according to her........she is a homosexual and there's no hope for us ever being "whole" again as marriage partners. She loves me.......but not like she loves women homosexually.
Part of me wants to puke. The angry part of me wants to do bad things and blow up the marriage. The compassionate part of me wants to try and understand and find a way to help her and restore our marriage.....which she has labeled as a hopeless effort.
How do I compete or battle this problem. I am totally desperate. Any advice would be welcomed.
I left out a ton of info on her childhood which would explain alot. She was sexually abused by neighbor boys at age 10-11. Her mother died when she was 4 and her father died when she was 8. She is the youngest of 8 kids and her second oldest sister raised her along with her sister's 6 kids. her sister was like a drill sargeant and shows little emotional nourishment. My wife once cried and told me that everyone in her life had abandoned her and she felt I'd abandon her too. Her sister that raised her got a divorce while having an affair when my wife was 18 years old and still living at home. Her sister's husband was a doormat. I have been a doormat at times, but I'm way stronger than that guy was.
I need help.